Laughs

Our Folded Hands

Women helping Women. Reaching out to the Sister who still suffers. Helping each other through the Good times and the Difficult times. To get to the SOBER way of life, One Day at a Time.

Laughs Page

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—Woman Was Hired To Do A Simple Job…

This Woman Was Hired To Do A Simple Job. But They Never Expected This From Her.There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Lena was hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and
she reported for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. “I’m sorry,” he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, …”but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday.”…Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
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An old married couple—

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillow: when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.His wife rolls over and says, What in the world was that? The old man replied, ‘its fart football. A few minutes later his wife lets one go and
Says,”Touchdown, tie score”..After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, Aha. I’m ahead 14 to7. Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, Touchdown, tie score. Five seconds go by and she iets out a little squeaker and says Field goal, I lead 17 to 14. Now the pressure is on for the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he s got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, What the hell was that? The old man says, Half time, switch sides..
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Mom is off to the nursing home…

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for.The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a
window overlooking a lovely flower garden.She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair.Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side.The nurses rushed back and once more brought
her back upright.This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to
her new home. So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?”It’s pretty nice, she replied. “Except they won’t let me fart…
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After 30 years of marriage—

After 30 years of marriage a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into
a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on she went: Neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,feeling unloved and unlovable, and entire
laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a weelk. Can you do this? Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.”
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Can’t live with’em…—

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,
watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked, what she’d like to have for her birthday. I’d like to be eight again’, she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure Word theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park
the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt
upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure…She wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well Dear, what was it like being eight again? Her eyes slowly opened and her expression Suddenly changed. I meant my dress size, you idiot!!! The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong…
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Who’s wearing the PANTS…—

Mike was going to get married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night, in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother and said, ‘Here try these on. She did and said, These are too big: I can’t wear them. I replied, ‘Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and l always will. Ever since that night, we never had any problems…Hmmm, said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try on his honeymoon. So Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, Here try these on. She tried them on and said, These are too large They don’t fit me. Mike said, Exactly. I wear the pants in this Family and I always will and I don’t you ever forget that. Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, Here you try on mine. He did and said, I can’t get into your pants. Karen said, Exactly. And if you don’t change your Smart-ass Attitude, you never will…
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A Nuns Restroom run—

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, So she walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while ‘the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the patrons saw the nun, the room went dead silent…She walked up to the waiter, and asked. May I please use the restroom. The waiter replied, OK, but I should warn you, there’s a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf…Well, in that case,” I will just look the other way,” said the nun. So the waiter showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she Came back out and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun an applause. She went to the waiter and said. Sir, I don’t understand, why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom? Well he said, now they know you’re one of us… Puzzled, the nun again stated,” I don’t understand”…You see laughed the waiter, every time someone lifts the Fig leaf up on the statue, The lights go out…😳

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***An Employee is Absent….

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employee was absent without giving any prior notice. Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted by a child’s whispered, “Hello.”

“Is your Daddy home?” he asked.

“Yes,” whispered the little voice.

“May I talk with him?”

The child whispered, “No.”

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”

“Yes.”

“May I talk with her?”

Again the small voice whispered, “No.”

Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anyone else there?”

“Yes,” whispered the child, “A policeman.”

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”

“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.

“Busy doing what?”

“Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the neighbors,” came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”

“A helicopter,” answered the whispering voice.

“What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team just landed a helicopter.”

Alarmed, confused, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle…”Me!”
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***ALL ABOUT RABBITS???

What do you call 20 rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hairline.
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*** ANGRY MAMMA***

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: “The driver just insulted me.”

The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
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***ACCIDENTS???
This morning on the way to work I wasn’t really paying attention and I drove into the back of a car at some traffic light.

The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf.

He said, “I’m not happy.”

I said, “Well, which one are you then?”
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***WHAT’S UP DOC???

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.
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Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?”
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The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.”
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***WHY DAD???
Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!

Father: Really, what?

Boy: That the potato should go in the front.
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Watch where you hide

A rather well-proportioned woman, planned to spend almost all of her vacation sunbathing. She found the ideal spot on the roof of her hotel. It was deserted and secluded, with a smooth, raised “deck” which received the sun all day long. She wore a bathing suit on the first day, but on the second, she decided that since no one could see her way up there, she would slip out of it and get rid of the tan lines on her back.

She’d been lying there on her stomach for a little while when she heard someone running up the stairs toward the roof. Startled, she didn’t have time to pull on her suit and since she was lying on her stomach, she just pulled a towel over her rear.

“Excuse me, miss.” said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel out of breath from running up the stairs. “The Hilton doesn’t mind you sunbathing up here, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit, as you did yesterday.”

“YESTERDAY!” she exclaimed, rather irritated. ……. “Have you been following me around? And besides, what difference does it make anyway since no one except a nosey assistant manager can see me?! I’m on the top floor and I’m covered with a towel.”

“Well, that would be true,” said the embarrassed little man, “except for the fact that you’re lying on the dining room skylight.”

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. ‘So,’ says the cop to the driver, ‘where have ya been?’

‘Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,’ slurs the drunk.

‘Well,’ says the cop, ‘it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.’

‘I did all right,’ the drunk says with a smile.

‘Did you know,’ says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, ‘that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?’

‘Oh, thank heavens,’ sighs the drunk. ‘for a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.’

Old habits are hard to break:

There was a group of AA members driving to a conference in a distant city. About halfway there, they stopped for a coffee break. The restaurant was near a botanical garden, and they decided to walk around there to stretch their legs before going on. As they admired the beautiful beds of flowers, a sweet little old women approached them and asked, “Are you members of the Wild Life Society?”

“No”ma’dam”.. answered one. We used to be, but then we joined AA

FEMALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who’s not a creep,

One who’s handsome, smart and strong.

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he’s gainfully employed,

When I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who’ll make love to my mind,

knows what to answer to “how big is my behind?”

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

And always be my very best friend….. Amen

NEGATIVE PEOPLE TRY TO BRING OTHERS DOWN

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. Remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?

We’re taking Continental, was the reply. We got a great rate!

Continental? exclaimed the hairdresser. That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?

We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Teste.

Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service surly, and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha’ doing when you get there?

We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.

That’s rich, laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

It was wonderful explained the woman, not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. And the food was wonderful, and I had a handsome

28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!

Well, muttered the hairdresser that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.

Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand, I knelt down, and he spoke a few words to me.

Oh, really! What’d he say?

He said: Where’d you get the crappy hairdo?

BUBBA’ S NEW TOILET BRUSH

While Bubba and Billy Bob were in the local Wal-Mart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.

They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.

Billy Bob won 1st place- a year’s supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti.

Bubba won 6th prize- a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart. Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, “Great!, I love spaghetti!”

Billy Bob asked Bubba, “How ’bout you, how’s the toilet brush? “Not so good,” replied Bubba, “I reckon I’m gonna switch back to paper.”

WHEN THE SHOE IS ON THE OTHER FOOT

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

“Quick,” said the woman to the lover, “into the closet!” and she pushed him in the closet, stark

naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. “Who are you?” he asked him.

“I’m an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,” said the exterminator.

“What are you doing in there?” the husband asked.

“I’m investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,” the man replied

“And where are your clothes?” asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, .. “Those little bastards…..”

COMING HOME LATE, WATCH WHAT YOU SAY TO THE WIFE

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and stayed all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 pm. The man hurriedly dressed and his girlfriend told him to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and in the dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home. “Where have you been?” his wife demanded. “I can’t lie to you,” he replied, “I’m having an affair with my secretary and we spent the afternoon together. She looked down at his shoes and said “You liar … you told me that you quit playing golf!”

Affair 2 ……….

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

“Hurry,” she said, “stand in the corner.” She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. “Don’t move until I tell you she said, ” pretend you’re a statue.”

“What’s this?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.

“Oh it’s a statue,” she replied,

“the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.”

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer “Here,” he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing”

This Site Is New And Growing. More Content, Things To See, And Hope To Offer, Will Come.

For Us, It Is A Result Of The Promises, We Are Grateful.

The Promises Click Me

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.